Below is the article I was asked to write for the student newspaper for the University of Manchester, Manchester Metropolitan University, Bolton University and Salford University. Naturally, you guys get it first as you're the avid fans and they're just the commissioners...

***

I write this on the back of an interrailing trip across Europe. Rain drips miserably from the window panes and the wind howls pass and I’m already convinced of the reason that people go on holiday – to get some of what they don’t have at home. We Britons thus seek out sun, sea, sand and cheap booze as well as the chance to be thoroughly raucous whilst Americans, Canadians and Australians seek out history and culture (and cheap booze). This theory goes a long way to explain the abundance of Australians teeming over European cities and can be compounded by the fact that you will rarely find an Australian on a European beach. If they wanted to sunbathe, why would they pay several thousand dollars for the privilege? Aussies, for all their reputation of being seasoned drinkers, will attempt to see the local culture by day. Fair play to them, as such cultural diversity was my reasoning for going abroad in the first place though I seem to be in an ever-decreasing minority of Britons.

Naturally, this seasonal invasion of the Mediterranean by the pasty plethora inevitable brings cringeworthy holiday attitudes. The most common amongst these is the ‘well, I am on holiday’ posit which, as many might agree, permits damn-near everything. This often fails to stop short of drunkenness, hooking up with various people, insulting residents, relieving oneself of various bodily fluids over local landmarks and spending a night in the cells. Who can remember the story from a few months ago of the men dressed as nuns appearing in court in Crete after flashing to everyone and sundry? I’m sorry, but a simple affirmation of a common-held truth (that you are on holiday) is not support of your wanton embarrassment (that this somehow gives you permission to act like an imbibed moron). You may be on holiday and, as such, should perhaps try to represent your country in a positive light and work against the impression that everyone in the UK is a binge-drinking fool. Alas, I digress.

Perhaps the greatest single British shortcoming abroad is our seeming ineptitude to learn a foreign language. I do speak more than one language and have a smattering of a few more (enough to order a coffee or beer, for example) and so my point is not that one ought to become fluent before going abroad. However, I do attempt to learn to greet the locals and ask them in their own language if they speak English which they often do. I’m tempted to believe that the impression many Europeans have of the English is that of the loud-mouthed, arrogant fool sat in a restaurant and deciding that the waiter not understanding them was due to their not yelling it angrily or loudly enough. This was the case for some English lads on the train from Sofia to Thessalonica. After speaking to the conductor in raised, patronising voices for a good five minutes they yelled in very quick succession “is this train going to Athens?” to which the conductor didn’t answer, giving them the impression it was (a quick glance at the departure board in the station before they left would have told them the answer, as would any of the information booths). Their arrogance and condescension led my friend and me not to inform them otherwise. They’d find out in time, anyway.

Now, I’m not claiming innocence for the activities ascribed above. I have relied on foreigners speaking English in my moments of need, have gotten rather drunk and attempted to find my way across a city and probably made a fool of myself in the meantime and have held up a train crossing the border as I didn’t get a visa until prompted by the irritated conductor. The problem lies with us all and I, for one, have no idea how to solve it. All I beg of anyone who has read this and agrees is to perhaps urge one other person to show a little restraint on holiday and, for the love of everything even remotely holy, not to assume everyone in the world speaks English. The chances are that they will, but the odds of you being overcharged, having you food spat in or being sent in the wrong direction are exponentially decreased as a result of your trying.

Gaz out.